Hello hello, Wonderfully Witchy people!
How was your first month of 2018? I have to say, mine was way intense. Like, I knew it would be – it was sandwiched between two full moons, one of which was a supermoon and a lunar eclipse – but, oh my my my, did I confront some stuff.
Just before the year started, I had chosen a focus word for 2018: Flow.
What did flow mean to me? It meant surrendering control. It meant taking things as they come. Not anticipating, not grasping, not worrying. It meant doing yoga and being near water. It meant being attuned to the energies around me, seeing myself as part of the cosmic rhythm.
What a wonderful concept! I couldn’t wait!
I don’t know why I thought it would be easy to flow.
My medium friend told me during our Tarot group meeting that I would be confronting my darkness this month. I immediately vibed with that! I knew I had shadow work that I need to do, anyway. Why not let myself get dark and release?
Then there was a family emergency, and I found myself in the position of having to parent my parent. I felt helpless. I felt overwhelmed. And, oh gosh, it brought back so much of my grief and frustration and anger from last year.
But wait a second! It’s a new year! I thought I was ‘over’ all that shitty 2017 stuff?! I’d felt pretty darn good for some of the time in December, hadn’t I? I was getting there!
Had I been faking feeling okay and feeling strong that whole time?
This new depression got really dark for me. I felt completely hopeless. I felt too exhausted to continue, overwhelmed by responsibility and the feeling that human life is full of suffering and sadness and little else.
I went to my therapist and asked her why I couldn’t feel grateful for these bad experiences. She asked me why I would expect that of myself – especially when it’s not a desirable situation to begin with. Why should I force gratitude and positive thinking on myself instead of just sitting with my suffering and letting it – you guessed it – flow from me?
I agreed with her. It only made sense, even if I didn’t like it.
So I sat with sadness and anger and frustration and didn’t resist them. Then it got a little better. I started noticing more and more small, subtle signs – angel numbers and kindness from strangers and symbols and coincidences – and it got easier for me to feel grateful. To feel happy.
I wasn’t forcing myself to feel better. I didn’t have the energy to force it! And yet I was feeling okay again. What the hell?! Could I possibly feel okay without forcing it?!
That’s when I realized that I had let myself flow back into happiness.
By the time the next full moon came around, I went to bed early.
No charging my crystals, no spellwork, no rituals. Bad witch? Whatever.
I was ready for sleep and self-care and the softer side of surrender.